you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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