You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
