She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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