I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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