hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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