I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
