Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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