Who wears a wallet chain?!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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