I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm so fucking centered right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
