Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
