Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
