Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
