this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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