somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
