oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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