you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
