I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
