I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
