i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
porn star boner night. come get it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
