my mouth tastes like poor choices
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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