That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
