He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
either way he was missing a nipple.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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