i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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