Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
