No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
