Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
