It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
