3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
