atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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