You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
