btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
