4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
