APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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