I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize