my shit smells like andre
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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