Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
