He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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