My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
