i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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