I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
