woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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