Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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