mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
