i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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