Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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