i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
