Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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