last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
