We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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