3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
