my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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