she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
