i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
