nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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