I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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