im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
