Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
