I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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