I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
