Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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