Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize